Attention Seeking versus Help Seeking

I've worked with children in a variety of capacities for over 25 years in addition to having two of my own. And in different environments, there are cultures and "beliefs" that are so ingrained that they often become "truths." For example, when I worked in three different public school districts, there was a belief that counseling in schools is not a good idea because it's difficult to provide a space for children to open up about feelings and then send them right back to math class. And while there is probably some challenges with the transitions, since leaving the school system, I have come to change my mind about that. I now understand that if we can give children a space to let off some steam during their school day, they may be more available for learning.

Another "belief" that we often think about children is that "bad" behavior is about attention, and if we ignore the bad behavior and pay attention to the behaviors that we want, we will encourage what we want to see and diminish what we don't. The problem with this philosophy is that behavior is communication. And while it may, at least in the short term, diminish some behaviors, we may be communicating back to the children that their feelings are unimportant. Or worse, we may even communicate that their big feelings are inappropriate and punishable. If we only tend to the "good" behavior, we are communicating that we only want to be present to the positive feelings.

That's not to say that we should allow all kinds of behavior. In fact, it's important to let children know what is permitted and not permitted. So while it's ok to let children know what is acceptable, it is also important to acknowledge all kinds of behavior so they can feel seen and heard. When a child acts in different ways, they are likely telling us something. For example, when they are domineering or bossy, they may be telling us that they are feeling out of control or anxious. When they are isolating or crying often, they may be feeling hopeless or betrayed. If you see them having temper tantrums, perhaps they are feeling frustrated. So while we need to let them know that certain behaviors are not acceptable, we also want to give them ways to express these big feelings. So as caregivers in their lives, we can say things like, "I see that you are throwing things. I wonder what we can do to get out some of these big feelings without throwing things." Or, "I notice that you are not spending time with friends at lunch time. I wonder why someone might not hang out with other kids."

If you need a reminder, I took some very wise words from a colleague of mine and created this sheet. It may be good to hang it in your office, or on the fridge. Let me know what you think of it!