How to Avoid Replacing the Loss

Tell me if you can relate to this story: You're a small child (or you're the parent of a small child). The goldfish that you've been caring for dies. But you don't know it because your parent replaces it while you are at school before you find out. You live in blissful ignorance.

Or what about this one? You are 11 years old. You fall down on a bike ride and ruin the bike. You rush home crying that your bike is broken, and your parent gives you a big hug, pats your head and tell you, "Don't worry. We can get you a new bike."

I have been on both side of this story. Likely, if you are a parent, you have too. If you are not a parent, you've probably experienced a situation that someone tried to fix your pain and make you feel better. "There will be other boyfriends." You can get another dog." "It's their loss." All of these platitudes are said because we want to distract children from pain. We want to make them feel better and stop them from being sad.

I get it. I've done it myself. But I've also learned why it can be so damaging, and I try hard not to replace the loss, or the pain stemming from the loss. Here are some Dos and Don'ts when it comes to replacing the loss.

But why can't we just "make it better" with a bigger, better toy? Why is it bad to focus on the good things to come? Well, here's the problem for young adults. Often during a period of transition, they are looking for new ways to cope with loss. (Transitions are a natural loss, by the way!) If they've learned to replace the loss as a child, what will they replace current losses with? Without some of the previously used coping tools (old friends, walks in familiar nature, a local therapist or nap in your childhood bedroom), young adults are at-risk to replace losses with easily accessible choices such as drinking and drugs, cutting, risky sexual behavior or gambling. But if they learned that it's OK to just sit in the pain, they don't need to look for ways to distract themselves or move on from the loss. They can just have their feelings, knowing that it's OK to tolerate intense feelings. That's the real gift!