The Language of Suicide Loss
I can't really talk too much about horseback riding. Although I can appreciate the sport from afar, it's just not something I know much about. There are words that I just don't understand (If anyone wants to teach me more about the difference between a gallop, canter, trot and back, I'm free all day!) So when I meet with a friend who rides, sometimes I feel at a loss because I can't engage in conversation about their sport without the language (more on how to do that even without the right words later!)
When it comes to suicide loss, many people don't have the words. First of all, there are no words. Nothing we say is the magical fix to bring the person back, change the circumstances of their death or make the grieving person feel better. But there are certainly words that can either make them feel supported and connected or words that can make them feel stigmatized, disenfranchised and misunderstood. And none of us want that. So let's start with a few things to avoid in suicide loss support.
Avoid using the words "committed suicide." The word "committed" stems from the idea that suicide was thought of as a crime. People that are considering suicide may not seek help if they believe they can be punished for criminal behavior, and those grieving someone's death due to a suicide may feel more stigmatized due to the belief that their person did something illegal. Using these words can decrease the likelihood that people will reach out for help if they need it.
Avoid saying "It was a suicide." The way in which we die does not define us. We are all complex people, and we shouldn't be reduced to the manner in which we died. Using people-first language reminds us that the person that died was a whole person and that is important. If you can't substitute the word "cancer" for "suicide," don't use it. If you would say, "This person died from cancer," say "This person died from suicide."
Avoid saying "It was their choice." While it may feel to you that the person that died had other options, it is becoming more understood that people that die by suicide are often not able to make rationale decisions and cannot see other possible options. Mental illness, drug and alcohol addictions, brain injury and trauma are often at play when someone takes their own life. These illnesses and life circumstances take "choice" out of the realm of possibility. Also, if the person that died did make any choice, it was often to end the pain, not to end their life. Suicide attempt survivors have often spoken about the fact that they really did not want to die, but instead just wanted to end the suffering. Dying was, in effect, a side effect.
For alternatives to the language above, click here for a downloadable handout.
So now that you have some idea of what not to say, what DO you say to someone bereaved by suicide? Well, before I give you a few good things to say, let me just say this: Say something! Most people that have experienced a loss due to suicide (or any loss, for that matter) would not say, "I wish people would stop asking me how I am, or stop talking about the person that died." So as much as you may be afraid to say the wrong thing, saying something is better than nothing.
So, what to do? Ask questions! There is no advice, cliche or words of wisdom that you can impart to a griever that will make the pain go away. So ask them some questions that will allow them to share their experience.
"What was ______ like for you?" Maybe you watched a movie that had their person's favorite actor, or portrayed someone with a mental illness, or was about a topic their person was interested in. Ask them what it was like to watch it. Maybe they went on their first vacation without the person, ate at a restaurant or went back to work. Ask them what that was like.
"How was your day/weekend/morning?" Being more specific than just "How are you?" may help them to share because it feels more manageable to think about smaller chunks of time rather than their overall state.
"Can I help you with anything this morning?" As much as we can't fix things, sometimes there are tasks that can feel overwhelming for the griever. Be as specific as you can when asking if you can help. Saying "Let me know if you need anything" is like asking "How are you?" It's just too big. Try things like "Can I walk you to class?" "Can I get you something to eat?" "Do you need anything at the library?" or "Want some company while you study?"
I hope you will be able to use some of these tools if you are supporting a griever due to a suicide death. If you are looking for more resources or want to support your community through a suicide death, please reach out to www.inner-harbor.org/contact and we can talk further.