The Myth of Time

We’ve all heard it before. Heck, many of us (myself included) have probably said it! Time heals all wounds. Maybe we’ve even come to believe it, perhaps because there is some truth to it. Time matters. When you experience a significant loss, you will not be “healed” in seconds, days, weeks or even months. The lapsing of time does do something to soften the edges, to allow for the space between a trauma and your current reality. And that can help. But the problem with that myth is that it can do a few things that can make grief more complicated. First, it can lead you to believe that something is wrong with you because, after a certain amount of time, you are not yet “healed.” Second, because time is not a magical cure, you may not understand all of the effort and energy required to process and incorporate the loss into your life. Waiting only for the passage of time will leave most of us woefully disappointed that our grief has not evolved.

If you have ever broken a bone, you know that time matters. If you have gone to a doctor after the break, s/he will likely put your broken arm into a cast. Then they will tell you to come back in 4-8 weeks to see how the bone is healing. So, time matters. But if you don’t put that broken bone is the proper environment (in this situation, it would be a cast), the bone won’t heal well. When your heart breaks, it also needs a supportive environment to heal. And while I like to stay away from medicalizing grief, I think the analogy is right. We need supportive environments after a loss. Our broken hearts won’t heal the same way a broken bone may, but the supportive environment is the point I am trying to make!

So what does a supportive environment look like for a grieving heart? It looks like sleep. It looks like support groups. It looks like friends who listen without fixing, daydreaming without feeling guilty about not being productive, walks in nature to spend time alone or with your thoughts about the person that died, or crying with a family member. These activities are your cast. A warm bath or a morning run. A good book, a coffee with friends, or a class about something you are passionate about. Therapy. All of these are ways to take care of yourself and you can fill your time with them as you incorporate your loss into your life.