Friendships After a Loss

Most of us like to think of ourselves as a good friend. And in most situations, we may really be one. But when it comes to painful things, often our own desire to be the exact thing that our friends need, stops us from being a good friend at all. Most people I know have said that friendships, even the ones that they thought they could really count on, changed after a significant death. So, even if you think you are there for the people that need you most, I would read on... just in case.

Why do you think friendships change after a death? I'm sure there are tons of reasons, but one that I'd like to focus on today is because we care so much - sometimes we care so much that we become paralyzed by fear of hurting our friends more that we don't do anything. And that can look like a lot of things to the griever, but it often doesn't look like we care at all!

When someone we care about is grieving, we see their pain. We see the struggle- to get things done physically, to be social with friends, to share painful feelings, and also to have fun and enjoy life. It's so hard for us as friends to watch the people we care about hurt. And in an attempt to stop the pain, or at least not make it worse, we fear saying the wrong thing. So we say nothing. We distract. We cheer them up. We give advice. But we don't talk about the one thing that our friend wants. We don't mention their name. We don't acknowledge hard days. We don't encourage memories. And what this does is often leave our friend with memories, feelings and thoughts that they hold in isolation. And when they feel isolated and disconnected from friends, they may pull away because it feels even worse to be in a room full of people and yet be lonely. It's almost easier to be alone.

I have created a list of prompts that you can use with friends and family to help stay connected after a loss. Print it out. Stick it on your dresser or fridge. Set a reminder in your calendar to use it on a regular basis. You can download it here for free.