How Can RA's play a role in Grief Support?
Bad things are going to happen when you go to college. Someone will get sick. Parents may announce their separation. Your boyfriend may break up with you. Your father may die. We don't typically plan for these things, but life continues to happen when we are at college.
When we go on college tours, some of us may ask what kinds of support are available to students if they do experience a loss, or a mental health challenge or any additional stress. Often, our tour guides will tell us about the counseling center or maybe the chaplain's office. They may even suggest some support groups on campus specific to anxiety or loss. But an often overlooked resource is the Resident Assistant. And I think I know why.
Resident Assistants are often trained to look for behavioral infractions like drugs or alcohol in the room. Perhaps they are there to remind students about "Quiet Hours" or to help mediate a dispute between roommates about cleanliness or having overnight guests in the dorm. But they just aren't trained to support students who are living through a loss. If you think about it, it's a shame they aren't prepared to deal with this because often the behaviors that they are trained to notice are a result of the stress they are experiencing. And if they could provide some preventative support, perhaps some of the other behaviors may be reduced.
Imagine this: You are a freshman and get the news that your mom has been diagnosed with cancer. You are hours from home and have few friends, and none that you feel particularly close to yet. So you go to the RA hoping for a listening ear or a referral for some support. You tell them your devastating news. Of course they feel terrible, but they are unprepared to support you. They give you the phone number for the counseling center, which you call right away only to find out there is a 3-week long waiting list and a 6 session max. Knowing your mom's illness is not going to be resolved in 6 weeks, you skip the appointment and never tell anyone else. You go back to your dorm, turn the music up really loud so no one will hear you cry, and you sit alone with your feelings.
But the story could be different. What is your RA said, "Wow, buddy. That's really rough. Do you want to tell me about it?" What if your RA asked you if they could check in on you once a week or so to see how you're doing? What is your RA let you talk about what it's like to be away from home with this news?
It won't solve all your problems, that's for sure. But it does do a few really good things. It lets the student know that there are people on campus that care about them. It lets the student know that someone has their back. It provides an opportunity to release some feelings while they look for additional support, or perhaps get all the support they need right there. And it also models for the student how to listen to people in pain, so when that students has a friend that goes through something difficult, they could do the same for them. It seeds the community with loving listeners, creating a culture on campus that allows for the expression of grief.
It's simple, really. And it's also difficult to learn how to sit in the pain with someone else. If you are interested in getting your Resident Assistants (or your sorority or fraternity, athletic team, student government, or another other student group) trained, reach out to me. I'd be happy to talk to you about how we can do that. Download a flyer for a training here.