Five Things you Need to Know when Starting College
Transitioning from high school to college is a BIG life move. It can feel like you are being propelled into adulthood overnight. When you add grief on top of these transitions the thought of starting college can start to feel isolating and overwhelming. But here’s the thing, you are not alone in this, approximately 22-30 percent of undergrad students are in their first year of bereavement (Balk, 2008).
If grieving as a college student is so prevalent why does it still feel so isolating? Well, it’s because talking about grief and death isn’t normalized in our society. Because of that, I wanted to start the conversation, by interviewing Beccah O’Brien, a grieving college student. Together, we identified five things grieving college students should know. You should know that Beccah entered college having experienced the death of her sister to carbon monoxide poisoning and the death of her father to Multiple Sclerosis.
So, what can a first-time grieving college student expect?
● You can expect to get activated and still have “grief days”
● You can expect to get asked about your person *gasp*…and wonder what to say
● You can expect to feel like you are in this constant grief and stress cycle
● You can expect to find yourself wondering who to talk to or where to get help
● You can expect to struggle with making time for self-care
Your Grief Will Get Activated and You Will Have Grief Days
Maybe it’s walking to your first class, taking a test, getting an award, or graduating…all of these seemingly minor events can cause grief to be activated and resurface. Preparing in advance for these moments can help to depressurize grief. For example, if you know that you are graduating soon, you may consider proactively telling your support system that graduation feels bittersweet. Initiating this talk around your grief can act like a pressure valve slowly releasing your grief prior to this major life event. But let’s face it, sometimes you will just have “grief days” that come out of nowhere and there is no amount of preparation that can stop them from happening. It’s important to be gentle with yourself and embrace the grief day.
BECCAH: “My sister died when I was 17 years old, and my father died the year I entered college. Losing the two of them was life changing but I thought for sure college would be a safe place where I could bury myself in my studies. Classes felt like an escape from the ever-looming cloud of grief. However, little did I know at the time, everything felt like an activator of my grief. I knew I would miss seeing their faces from the podium at graduation, but I did not anticipate the day-to-day tasks that would also remind me that they were dead.
I remember taking a Spanish test and one of the questions was “describe your family.” Are you kidding me? How do they not know better than that? Spoiler alert… they don’t know better. “Mi padre está muerto. Mi hermana está muerta también. Más preguntas, Señor?” I did not get the A grade that I had studied so hard to earn. In fact, I wrote nothing else on that test and my day was ruined.
It is really hard to expect the unexpected, but if there is anything, I can warn you about, it is that you will inevitably be activated. I wanted to call my sister when walking back to my car after my first day. I wanted to call my daddy when I won a research award. Every bad day, every good day, and every day in between lies a possibility that you will be activated because college is completely new territory. Up until this point your person may have been around or there was a way you had become comfortable with honoring them in your space. But college is different, it is completely new and there is so much more to learn than what is on a syllabus. Knowing and recognizing the potential of being activated by literally anything gives you power. What coping skills help you through those moments? Maybe it’s a deep 4-count breathing technique while you are taking an exam or maybe it is doodling in your notebook to pass the time, so that you can get attendance points for the day. Have a couple of coping skills in your back pocket and know that sometimes it’s okay to just walk out of class, walk to your car, and break down. Do what you need to do.”
You May Get Asked About “IT”
When you start college, your social circle tends to grow quickly. Whether it be by rooming with a new student, joining a sport, club, or just group work assigned in a class. These circumstances usually require a “getting to know you” phase. This could be an instance where you may be faced with the decision to tell people about the death of a loved one or not. Remember that it is up to you to decide how much information you want to share, if any at all.
BECCAH: “Ya know what sucks?! I had no idea how many times people were going to ask me how many siblings I had or where my parents lived! I don’t know why I never considered this, but it kind of comes up naturally, I guess? A lot of times in college, people have just moved to that city so it makes sense to ask where are you from or where do your parents live. How the hell do I answer that? “My dad died, but my mom lives here! Too soon?” Then they’re like, “oooooh, okay. Do you have any brothers or sisters?” And then I respond with… “My sister is dead too, but my brother and I are really close!” It feels strange to leave your family member out of the equation when answering the question but remember you can offer any information you want, and you don’t have to offer any information at all if you don’t want to! IT’S YOUR FREAKING STORY! Maybe college is an opportunity to open up and be a new person and maybe you want to reinvent yourself a little! Feel free to redirect the conversation or feel free to drop truth bombs. You have permission to respond to one person one way and another a different way! I cannot stress enough that you do not owe anyone your story. You get to decide how you feel like answering questions that people ask.”
Grief and Stress Are Basically Besties
College can be a stressful time, you are asked to constantly juggle school, work, a personal and social life, along with your own mental and physical health. Grief and stress tend to hang out together making ordinary tasks feel unmanageable. Getting organized, creating a daily to-do list, seeking support, and breaking larger projects into smaller achievable ones can help make stress and grief feel more manageable when they do show up together.
BECCAH: “Straight up, grief is so inconvenient. One time I was so frazzled while leaving my house because I could not find my keys. Before I knew it, I was a puddle on the floor because I lost myself in a grief spiral. My dad always found my keys for me. He was the best at it. I definitely did not make it to class that day. My roommate recognized what was going on and came home with a key holder to hang by the door, so I no longer lost them. Boom, that activator had been eliminated. Becoming organized was my saving grace! My roommate and I invested in a giant white board we named ‘mission control’ to help us organize our lives. I was working two jobs, had an internship, and a research position all while going to school. I had no time for grief spirals to take me out for an entire day.”
When You Keep It Real, People Can Really Help You
You may be thinking that “nobody wants to hear about my dead dad, so I am not going to bring it up.” The truth is, if your new friends, your resident advisor, and professors don’t know about your grief then they can’t help support you when times get hard. Telling others that you’re grieving isn’t a “pity move” it is a “keeping it real move” and when you keep it real, you can ask for what you need, and when you ask for what you need, people usually deliver. Asking for what you need may look like getting an extension, taking a test early or later to avoid a death anniversary, asking for an alternative assignment, or just asking someone to talk.
BECCAH: “I am grateful to have found support in unexpected places because I allowed it to happen. I felt like I didn’t have time for therapy (I urge you to find the time if you can) so I found myself confiding in coworkers and team members because they made themselves available. And I took them up on it! Making the jump to allow someone to be there for you is terrifying but worth it. Asking for what you need on heavy and hard days is a lot easier when you have already explained that a person close to you has died.
My coworkers helped cover shifts and my research team members had my back when it came to writing papers and presentations. My roommate became my biggest support because, honestly, life is exhausting when you’re grieving and coming home to someone who may expect something out of you. But because I let her in she would ask me, “what do you need from me right now?” That was powerful because it gave me permission to say, “I need space” or more often “I need cheesecake.”
Moral of the story: keep it real, be honest, and ask for what you need! More often than not, people want to be there for you.”
A Weak Self-care Plan is Better Than No Self-care Plan
College can often reshape your routine. Making sure that you build in time for yourself will help keep a sense of control and normalcy in your life, not to mention the copious amounts of research around how beneficial it is for your mental and physical health. Self-care doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it does have to be present. Taking 5-10 minutes a day for quiet time, reading, meditating, yoga, walking, listening to music, journaling, working out, shooting hoops, enjoying a fresh cup of coffee, or pampering yourself can make a big difference in managing your mental and physical health.
BECCAH: “Finding time for self-care is hard. I’m not going to lie; I still struggle to do this. The truth is you have to fight for it! Remember my mission control white board? I followed that thing like it was the bible. If it was on the board, I had to do it. I’d schedule intentional time for getting my nails done. Nails are my thing, so I put it on the board and made sure I allowed myself that time. Self-care doesn’t need to be another daunting task, so think about what you like to do, and do it! Listen to your favorite song on repeat on your way to work! Call a friend and talk about whatever you want! Maybe download an app and meditate or better yet, listen to Matthew McConaughey tell you a story. Whatever it is, do something that reminds you that life is good.”
Final Thoughts
BECCAH: “If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you’re looking for some type of answer. Sadly, no one has the answers because not only are we all different people, but in grief every day can look different than the one before. What works today, may not work tomorrow, but if you take these little reminders with you into your college journey, you may be a little more equipped to handle your grief when it pops up while in college.
Your grief will get activated, probably more so than not, pro-tip: avoid the family section in the bookstore, if you can help it! Mugs and bumper stickers with “SDSU Dad” written on it are hidden behind every corner. You may get asked about ‘IT,’ but own your story and remember you get to decide who you share it with. Grief and stress are basically besties, and those besties are total bullies. See what you can do to eliminate stress in practical ways so that the grief spiral doesn’t take you out, i.e., key holder meltdown scenario. When you keep it real, people can really help you. No seriously, I BEG OF YOU ask for what you need. ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF and let people help you. You know you could use the help or at least some cheesecake. Lastly, a weak self-care plan is better than no self-care plan. The truth is, we are all working at getting better at taking care of ourselves, so as often as you can try to put yourself first.
Lastly, congratulations on going to college! You are taking steps to advance your education and create a bright future for yourself. Give yourself permission to be proud of yourself for making it this far! It’s just the beginning of a journey that does include grief, but it also includes a world of memories and experiences that you will be grateful for one day! Peace, love, and luck from one college student to another. - Beccah”
Starting college can be bittersweet. In one hand you hold your dreams, goals, and the thought of future possibilities and in the other hand you hold grief, uncertainty, fear, and the memories of your past. A grieving student once said, “you can’t let grief get in the way of life, but you can’t let life get in the way of grief. It’s all about balance. You have to learn how to balance them both.” So here you are, learning how to balance grief and going to college and guess what? You got this!