Using the Word “Dead”

This weekend, I met with a retired rabbi. We were talking about my work and he was interested in learning more about what I do. I told him a story about a college I was recently working with who wanted to use the words "passed away" when referring to someone who died. I was encouraging them to use the word "died" instead but received some push back from the school for sounding too "harsh." I get it. It does sound harsh. But, isn't death harsh? It sucks. So why do we need to soften it with language?

I knew of a child once that was told, "We lost mom." She had been sick and he hadn't been able to see her in the hospital and then was told that she was "lost." When he came to therapy "because of mom," he literally thought he was going to find mom in the office. Looking under the couch and in random rooms in the office, he believed his mom was lost and he was there to find her. Euphemisms make us adults feel better, but what are we teaching children?

Even telling a child that someone has "gone to heaven" can be confusing. Heaven, the way it has been described to me, sounds AMAZING! It sounds like Disney World, or Aruba! But it's free and you can eat ice cream all day and see all the people that went there first. And if that child has never been to Disney World before, they may think of Heaven as just another place to go. And return from. It doesn't help them understand the biology and mechanics of being dead. And it can also make them think that the person has chosen to go to this magical place instead of being with them. That is typically not true, and not the message we want children to receive. I'm not against the idea of Heaven, but when explaining death to children, I believe that we should first explain the word dead, then explain any spiritual or religious beliefs you may have.

When I meet with someone and they tell me that an important person passed away, I don't correct them. I may even repeat the words back to them or use them when I am referring to their person. If that's what they want to say and it makes them feel better, I can go with the program. But when I introduce the concept, or explain death to a child, I use the word "dead." They died. It's not pleasant. I don't try to sugarcoat it. I help them understand what happened.

So, let's make an effort to use the word dead. Let's not confuse children, or fool ourselves, that the person is in a better place, or eternally resting. They died. Let's make an effort to create a positive death culture, where we can talk about the hard stuff too.